When Parenting Feels Like a Losing Battle

Hey There

Even as a therapist, I’ve had to remind myself:

The skills that worked when our kids were little don’t always work now.

When they were small, we were the center of their world. We picked the snacks, planned the playdates, and set the bedtime.

Now, I’m parenting a teen with big feelings, big opinions, and a strong need for privacy.

And their job right now?

To push back.

What I’ve come to realize is: this season of parenting isn’t just about them changing—it’s about us changing too.

It’s about parenting from presence, not panic.

About choosing connection over control.

And about managing our own nervous system, so we don’t react out of fear.

👀 Fear shows up in quiet ways:

• Overchecking their phone or location, just to ease our own anxiety

• Controlling the small stuff—like clothes, tone, or friend groups

• Jumping to worst-case scenarios (Lord, if there’s one thing that gets us in trouble with our teens, it’s this one)

• Getting deeply triggered when they push back, roll their eyes, or shut us out

• Asking “Are you okay?” every time their mood shifts, because we feel the shift and don’t know how to sit in the unknown

If you’ve done these things, same. You’re not failing. You’re just in a new chapter of parenting.

📖 From the Book Untangled by Lisa Damour, PhD:

“Our daughters push us away not because they hate us, but because they are doing the work of becoming themselves.”

That line stopped me in my tracks.

Because it’s not just true for daughters—it’s true for all teens.

They’re becoming. And part of that process includes pulling away, separating, and figuring out who they are without us.

It’s not rejection. It’s growth.

And yes—sometimes it hurts like hell.

😔 But what if they don’t come back?

This is the fear I hear most from moms:

“What if I give them space… and they never come back to me?”

I’ve felt it too. That quiet ache. That question we don’t always say out loud.

Here’s what helps me in those moments:

🧘🏾‍♀️ Ground yourself in truth, not fear:

• Remember: Their job is to separate. Ours is to stay steady.

• Connection now might not look like closeness—but it can still be love.

• Respecting their boundaries now creates a safe path for return later.

🙏🏾 Lean on faith:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

— Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)

You’ve planted seeds. You’ve poured into them. That foundation doesn’t disappear.

It may not bloom on your timeline, but it’s there.

🧠 Try This: Brain Dump Your Parenting Fears

One tool I use often—and share with clients—is a simple brain dump.

Not to fix anything right away. Just to make room to breathe.

How to do it:

1. Find a quiet moment (morning coffee or bedtime is great).

2. Set a timer for 5 minutes.

3. Write every fear, frustration, or “what if” that’s on your mind—no filter.

4. Breathe. Highlight one thing you want to explore further (in therapy or journaling).

You might be surprised what shows up:

“What if I mess this up?”

“I’m afraid they’ll resent me.”

“I miss when things felt easier.” —- This part for me(whew! I missed the younger years)

This practice clears emotional clutter, allowing you to reconnect with what truly matters.

🌱 What I’m Learning:

Parenting teens is not about getting it perfect.

It’s about being present, even when things feel messy.

It’s about doing our own inner work, not just managing theirs.

That’s why more and more moms (myself included) are turning to therapy, support groups, and self-care not as luxuries, but as lifelines.

Because we need tools too.

We need spaces to be seen.

We need to know we’re not the only ones lying awake at night wondering if we’re doing this right.

💛 You Deserve Support, Too

If this season has been heavy—there’s no shame in needing help.

Therapy can be a place to process, reset, and find clarity.

Community can remind you: you’re not alone in this.

That’s why I created Calm in the Chaos, a space for moms like us to gather, breathe, and reset together.

No judgment. Just real-life support.

📎 Coming Soon:

The next round begins this August. It’s gentle. It’s grounded. It’s yours if you want it.

Click here to join the interest list → [Link]

PS: If you try the brain dump this week, I’d love to hear how it went. Hit reply and tell me what came up. I read every message—and your voice helps shape this space 💬

Until next time 

Moya