Is It Burnout or Is It Boundaries?

Hi there,

This week’s topic hits close to home.

Over the weekend, I said “yes” when everything in me wanted to say “no.” I kept showing up, doing, helping—pouring from a cup that hadn’t been refilled. I felt depleted and resentful, but kept smiling through it.

Sound familiar?

It made me pause and ask:

Is this burnout… or is this a boundary I never learned to hold?

If you were raised in a culture where saying “no” was seen as selfish—or even disrespectful—you might relate. In many Black and Brown families, boundaries weren’t modeled. We were taught to:

• Be helpful, even when it hurt

• Push through, even when we were exhausted

• Prove our worth by doing more, not less

Over time, those lessons become core beliefs. The quiet rules we live by.

🌪 Core Beliefs That Fuel Burnout

Sometimes the belief sounds like:

• “If I’m not constantly doing, I’m lazy.”

• “If I say no, I’ll let someone down.”

• “If I disappoint them, they’ll stop loving me.”

We may not say these out loud—but they shape how we move through the world.

They drive our over-giving. Our people-pleasing. Our exhaustion.

🔍 Burnout vs. Boundary Violation

Let’s name the difference:

Burnout feels like:

• Emotional and physical depletion

• Quiet resentment after saying yes

• Losing joy in things you once loved

• Feeling stuck on a hamster wheel you can’t get off

A Boundary Violation feels like:

• Saying yes while your gut says no

• Acting from guilt, not clarity

• Feeling invisible in your own life

• Feeling obligated instead of empowered

Sometimes we think we’re “just tired,” when really—we’re boundary-deprived.

🪜 A Tool to Get to the Root: The Laddering Technique

When I explore this in therapy sessions, it often sounds like this:

You’re asked to help, but you feel stretched too thin. You want to say no… but you don’t.

Here’s how we gently climb to the core belief:

1. If I don’t say yes to this, that means…

2. If they get upset, that means…

3. If I’ve done something wrong, that means…

4. If I disappoint them, that means…

The core belief underneath it all?

👉 I’m unlovable unless I’m useful, agreeable, or constantly giving.

When we uncover this, we stop reacting on autopilot—and start reclaiming our choices.

📚 A Book I Love

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

If you’ve struggled with guilt, over-giving, or “being the strong one,” this book is gold.

One of my favorite lines:

🌱 Your Reflection Prompt

Where are you feeling burned out?

And where might that burnout be a boundary waiting to be set?

🎧 Bonus Resource

Need help regulating your body before you say no or set a boundary?

🎧 Try my free “5-Minute Reset” audio here

(It’s short, gentle, and created with you in mind.)

💭 Coming Next Week on On the Mend

“Why Am I Still So Tired?”

We’ll unpack emotional labor, mental load, and why so many women feel wired + worn out—even when they “haven’t done much.”

With love and permission to rest,

Moya Mathison, LPC, ACS

Founder, Mending Wings to Soar